Centering the Relationship in Mindful Parenting

April 2025 

Centering the Relationship in Mindful Parenting 

“Give the relationship a hug.” - Katie O’Neil 

Mindful parenting as a topic is big-  too much to cover in one, or even three, blog posts.  In the past two months, we have focused on body and brain based strategies to help us stay in a mindful place while parenting.  Being mindful allows us to respond thoughtfully, rather than react to our child's behaviors.  Looking for another way to stay mindful and respond thoughtfully?  -Center the relationship.  

Katie O’Neil, licensed professional counselor at Children’s Therapy Network, shared her thoughts on relationships, mindful parenting, and parenting in these times of uncertainty.  

When asked what is currently most challenging for families she works with, Katie shared that parents are feeling the pressure to be in “control of their child’s regulation state.”  So many of the messages that parents get from schools, books, and social media indicate that to be a good parent means you should be able to change your child’s behavior by using the right intervention.   So when parents try all the things and nothing seems to work, it says something about you or your child.  And that is such a hard feeling to be with!   While Katie acknowledges that parents are indeed important in co-regulating when children are experiencing big feelings, the idea that we can control another’s feelings or reactions leads to a stressed relationship.  

In contrast to a stressed relationship, the foundation of a strong relationship starts with a regulated parent.  Katie recognizes that strategies for being mindful and calm can be useful, and body and brain-based strategies for mindfulness have their place in a parent’s world.   

For example, the strategy of somatic experiencing - catching the sensations of an emotion before it carries you away, has its place.   So does becoming aware of your communication, and what it says about your state of regulation.  If you find yourself asking your child a lot of “why” or “what” questions, that may be a sign you are responding from a place of fear, and you are also dysregulated. 

There are also practical strategies, such as designating time for special play for 15 minutes a day a few times a week.  Be present and let your child lead in the play.  Limit the corrections your child hears.   Or get outside in nature and do something with your child.  Fresh air is regulating for everybody, and a change of environment is often helpful.

Within this space of using body and brain based strategies, Katie advocates for the strategy of “centering the relationship.”  She acknowledges that when parents are in a stressful situation with their child, the brain goes into survival mode, and strategies are challenging to implement.  And that can start the cycle of parents feeling guilty that they couldn’t use the tools they know, displacing negative energy, and children respond in kind.  

Instead of feeling guilty about these ruptures, Katie recommends  parents be mindful about relationship dynamics, maybe even more than specific behaviors or strategies. The skill of attunement is essential here - be with your child in big emotions, and have the experience of calming down together.   

“Don’t miss the opportunity to just be in relationship with your kids.  Remember why you became a parent in the first place.  Find opportunities to delight in your kids, uninterrupted and with no strings attached.” 

Katie reminds us, “There is a lot of value to coming back to the question ‘why did I want to become a parent in the first place?’ - To be in relationship with a human that you have the opportunity to shape and grow.   Find opportunities to give the relationship a hug.”